THE CHRISTIAN FIFTH COLUMN

I learned that Leonard Peikoff, the director of the Ayn Rand Institute and the enforcer of orthodoxy among the fractious Objectivist progeny of novelist Ayn Rand, issued a fatwa denouncing all those who either vote for the Republicans or sit out the election next week instead of voting for the Democrats.  Apparently Peikoff is more fearful of the theocracy that Christians want to impose upon America through the Republicans than the socialist multicultural environmentally-pure utopia that the secular progressives want through the Democrats.  It looks like many Objectivists are following the call.  But not all.  Linz Perigo, proprietor of SOLO Passion, thinks Peikoff and his supporters on this issue (Diana Hsieh in particular), are batty for any number of reasons -- the biggest of which is that the threat of a Christian theocracy engulfing America is nonsense.

Well, not so fast.  I thought I had better clue Linz in as to the takeover we subversive Christians have been plotting.  So I posted this revelation about our secret meeting at SOLO Passion ...

Linz threw down the gauntlet to Peikoff and the gang: “Demonstrate that a Christian theocracy is indeed imminent, bar toppling the Republicans now.”

Sorry, Linz. You know I think you’re a swell guy in the war against the Mohammedans and all that, but Peikoff and Diana have got it right. Now that the cat is out of the bag, I suppose there’s no harm in telling you what we Christians have in store for America. In fact, I just got back from a Theocracy Now! planning session. I’m the Vatican representative. (Well, the truth is that I’m subbing for John Kerry, who had to go out on a black op earlier this week to subvert the Democrats.)

Anyway, we’ve been busy hammering out what the new regime will be like. We’ve agreed that all the atheists will have to go to re-education camps, although we aren't certain if that should include the Episcopalians. The Baptists also wanted to send the homosexuals to the camps, but I said, “Whoa! There’s no way we Catholics are going to agree to locking up half of our priests.” Then they got pissy about wine at mass and said grape juice will have to do. The Calvinists stepped in and argued, “Let the papists have their liquor. They’re all predestined to Hell anyway.”

Now everything was about to come to blows, when a Quaker rushed in to stop us crying, “Give peace a chance.”  So, we all beat the hell out of him instead. Boy, we really did a number on him, and we told the Christian Scientist to take the Quaker to the hospital. But he refused because he would have no truck with modern medicine. Well, you can guess where that led us. A long wonky debate on a properly theocratic health care policy. For example, do you cover a snake-handling Pentecostalist when he gets bitten? Yeah, and everybody thinks theocracy is a snap.

So, we’ve got a few bugs to work out yet, Linz. But, believe me, we’re coming!

Regards, Bill